Sometimes it is hard to describe emotions. You can feel them, but it is sometimes difficult to put them in to words. I have had some extremely hard and very sad things happen this year, to myself, to my family and to friends. I am sure we've all had our share throughout the year. The Holidays kind of force us to look back at our year and reconcile (or at least remember) these things so that we can move on to next year. Why then in spite of it all, do I find myself at times so joyful?? I have wondered, and I think I finally got the answer. It is the "flip side of the coin." The thing I keep saying when these sad things come to mind is "yes, but..." Yes, I've had a tough time with my health and lost my antique business, and 1/2 of our income, BUT I am creating art and going to workshops and meeting wonderful people, even got some work published.
My Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's this year (so devastating considering he has a Ph.d). Sometimes he acts like a little boy, and is ashamed of his medical bracelet that has the "A" word written on it. He thinks people will think he is stupid. I told him that we all know he is intelligent, he just forgets things sometimes. He started crying. He thanked me for pointing that out, and he felt better. It is so hard to see this man grow weak and become childlike, at the young age of 71. Yes, but we are closer now than we have been in decades. Our hearts have finally connected.
I am sad because I want to be a larger part of my Grandson's life. I see him one weekend, sometimes two weekends a month. It doesn't seem like enough. He needs us. (We need him too). Yes, BUT living 2 1/2 hours away from him, is a lot better than the 2 1/2 days it would be if we were still in Denver! After all, knowing he was going to be born is what brought us here.
There is a lot more, I could go on. But so could you, I'm sure. And, I have a wonderful husband, healthy successful children, a perfect grandson, a job, a vocation, a tiny beautiful little home, a nice fire in the fireplace and Christmas decor galore! I want the house to be decorated "over the top" this year because this will be the first time in 14 years that my boys have been together at Christmas! We have a 4 year old grandson that still loves to snuggle and truly believes in Santa. What a blessed person I am! No wonder I feel joy!
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouac