Omigosh! I had a "gum graft" in my mouth a few months ago, so I was thinking a root canal would be easy. It wasn't. I went from being just a tad nervous to full-blown terror in a very short time. I was wishing my MIL from Denver was here with some of the valium she (very kindly and sweetly) tries to dispense to anyone experiencing the least bit of uneasiness. I never took her up on it, but I might NOW! I'll never make fun of her again. Where are people when you need them, anyway?
I've had a "dam" in my mouth before during dental work, but this time it really bothered me. Probably because just before I went to the dentist, my friend at work mentioned how much her boyfriend hates those dental dams, and panics. Well, you guessed it, I started to panic. So I tried to reason with myself... "calm down now", I said to myself. Hmm, not working.
Ok, "please God be with me and let everything go well..." still no go. Maybe I should have taken my friend up on the offer to teach me how to meditate. "Oh No!" Don't say "meditate" when you're talking to God, I thought. "Ok God, please forgive me for being interested when I was reading that book where she talked about being in an ashram with a yogi. It was a best-seller, I had to read it." Great, now I'm fibbing to God! Ok, "Dear God and Mary and Saint Gerard, please help me because this dental thing isn't getting any better." Oh no! Saint Gerard is the Patron Saint of pregnant women, silly! Remember, you prayed to him when 30 years ago when you were trying to get pregnant!"
Alright, wish I had my Grandma's rosary beads. "Ho-OOOOOOOOO-ly Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners..." Yes you ARE a sinner! Now you're making fun of the way your dearly departed Grandmother said the rosary! It WAS funny though, never failed to make those of us in the 10 year old set try not to howl laughing when we were all quite seriously kneeling together saying the rosary around a loved ones death bed. OH how we tried not to laugh. We'd be spanked and sent to Hell for sure! So we'd sputter and shove the laughter down and pray we could hold it in until we were done and could go into my Cousin's bedroom. THEN, safely inside we would roll and howl and spit and sputter with laughter. The crying hard, out of breath gut hurting kind of laughter. "Sorry about that, God, we were brats."
Maybe I'll rip this dental dam thing out and run into the street. Hmmm, STILL sounds like panic. "Please God, I promise I will..." What?? Make a promise to God that you have no hope of fulfilling? That's gotta be a quadruple sin, I'm still feeling guilty about doing that a time or two in the past. Ugh. HELP! The novacaine is wearing off... think of something!!
"Ok, God I am sorry for saying that guy today looked like Hannibal Lecter. He really did though. Alright, maybe I did take that a step too far when I sent the girls a clip of a scene from the movie. That wasn't nice. It WAS HILARIOUS though, oh boy when they saw that, they... what?" Oh yes, I should still be praying and asking for forgiveness. I know that God still loves me even with my sarcastic sense of humor! He must. (He does, right)?
Hmmm, where is this coming from? I haven't thought of this prayer too many times since Catechism classes in Jr. High... "The Act of Contrition", that's it! "Oh my God I am heartily sorry..."
Whew, they're taking the dam out of my mouth finally! I never want to go through THAT again, it was awful.
And God, I really am sorry for having offended, etc. etc.
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” -Jack Kerouac